she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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