I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
