woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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