I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It's blow job season.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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