I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Randomize
