got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
