No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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