i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
