He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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