We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
