he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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