Old men and throwing up are my life now.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
