I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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