If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
