Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
