Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
