I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Randomize
