He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
