Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
