My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
