i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
