I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
