a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
