I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
