not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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