A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
