hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
