just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
