I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
