WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
