Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize