What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
