Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
