Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
