I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
