the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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