Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
