Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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