FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
