WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
