anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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