this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
