toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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