Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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