drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
