so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
