Cold hands, warm shart.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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