I got chris browned last night
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
