I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
