I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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