I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
