you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
