i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
