That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
