Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
