Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize