and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
