good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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