The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My vagina just clenched in fear
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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