How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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