HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
