life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
