when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize