you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
