his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
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