The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
