Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
