I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
