captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
